


The Outside World

by DeeNomilk



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Angst, Emotional Abuse (by the Circles in general bc tbh it's what it is at best), Guilt, I mean it's kind of angsty but not too much, Other, Questioning Worldview, Unlearning shitty conditioning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-14 07:37:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14765364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeeNomilk/pseuds/DeeNomilk
Summary: Living in a building, cut off from the outside world under strict rules, constant watch and suspicion as well as under constant fear of stepping out of line shouldn't be normal, but it is for Idris Surana. At least it was.Now that's she's out and seeing the world, she begins to realize how wrong that is, and how wrong she was.





	The Outside World

**Author's Note:**

> This is set just after the mage origin story, while Duncan and Idris Surana are on their way from the Tower to Ostagar. Idris learns that things are different outside the circle, and doesn't take well to the gaslighting, isolation and general manipulation that she thought were normal in the Circle. 
> 
> Note that: Surana had all intentions to help Jowan, but when she saw Irving she felt the need to confront him about Jowan becoming Tranquil, and when Irving told her they knew of Jowan's affair with Lily, she assumed they must know about everything. She thought the only way to save herself and her friend's life was to cooperate, and so she did.

The more time she spent outside, the more she became furious. At herself. At the circle.

 

The more she saw everyday people interacting, the more she realized how abnormal being in the circle was. How wrong her perceptions of life had been.

 

It had started with Duncan having to pull her gently to the side before entering the first village on their way to Ostagar.

 

“The outside world works differently than the circle.” he’d started.

 

“How so, sir?” she’d asked.

 

“Well, for starters… You’re allowed to do a lot more. You can explore, haggle, even disagree with others. I’m not a mage myself, but I’ve known my fair share of former circle mages amongst the Wardens…”

 

From then on he’d made a point to explain every reasoning behind each decision, how everything worked. He’d told her about money, bought her well fitting clothes, told her about social interactions, about swindlers. He educated her on just about everything he could think of.

 

He’d made it clear she could ask any question and he would answer as best as his knowledge allowed, and something made Idris trust his words. Trust him.

 

And so she’d asked.

 

“Should they be doing this, out in the open like that?” she’d pointed to a couple holding hands and occasional kissing one another chastely.

 

“Yes. Affection in public is normal, to an extent.” he’d explained. “There are limits to the affection that can be shown publicly, however. But attachements, love and… Relations are quite accepted. Usually expected, in fact.”

 

“How do I know what’s acceptable or not?”

 

She was thankful for the very non-judgemental way he explained what people typically accept, in which circumstances things may deviate and such. Idris found those expectations agreeable. He didn't mock her for her discomfort at being outdoors, at how quickly she got a sunburn, or at how sore she was after a rainy, cold night. This gave her confidence in herself, made her feel that she was free to try and make mistakes and he'd be there to guide her along the way.

 

She had always was a very observant girl, so she’d taken it the initiative to learn more by watching Fereldans interacting with one another. The guards with citizens, the citizens with each other, with innkeepers. There was a sense that they didn’t calculate their actions nearly as much as Idris had learned to do.

 

It was by no means perfect, she’d heard plenty of whispered and not so whispered “knife-ear” thrown her direction, but she felt bold enough to scowl at the random human who’d said it. She was familiar with the term, a few templars seemed to enjoy muttering it under their breaths whenever an elven mage caused trouble. Not loud enough for the superiors to hear, but loud enough to reach the intended targets.

 

It wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t restrictive. Not like before.

 

One night while curled up in her tent, she was hit by the sickening realization that the guilt she felt for betraying Jowan was valid. Not only that, her reason for the betrayal was absurd, now that she understood how the world truly works.

 

Of course the Circle, the templars weren’t omniscient. They had no way of knowing of Jowan’s plan, and yet she thought they did. That they were testing her. Testing him.

 

If only she did as she was told, Jowan would be safe. She couldn't do anything to help Hazel, so maybe this would've worked? 

 

What a joke.

 

She balled her fists into the thin bedroll, letting the tears flow down but remaining silent as to avoid raising Duncan’s suspicion from the other tent.

 

“Idiot.” she hissed at herself.

 

She couldn’t fault Jowan for blaming her. He’d come to the Circle a few years after her, of course he’d know the dynamics of the Circles weren’t normal.

 

It’s too late now, so she blames the Circle instead. Blames the Templars for always watching them, never letting them have privacy, to the point she’d started to doubt even her thoughts were safe. Blames Irving, he had authority and yet he used it to help keep them trapped. Blames Greagoir, for pushing Jowan to lash out. Blames the Circle for everything it did to her life culminate to the worst decision she could’ve made.

 

She feels a sob rising up her throat and swallows hard, reminding herself that she’s out now. Jowan, hopefully somewhere safe, is out too.

 

After they defeat the Blight, maybe she could request to go look for him. Beg him for forgiveness and help him in any way she can. She’ll have to make sure to ask the Wardens. Hopefully they're as nice as Duncan and will understand why this is something she must do.

 

Nothing can get rid of the shame and guilt over her decision, but she’s out now, and she’ll do good.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm thinking of doing more of these, in between quests stories, things that aren't exactly in the game itself. Also some retelling of the quests but with insight in how I saw my character and the NPCs would be fun too.
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> PS - I'm still knew to writing fanfics as a whole, so if I've rated it or tagged it wrong feel free to tell me!


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